Posted by Lynn on May 14th, 2008
I am trying to help my friend with his marriage. For the past several years, his wife has been very unhappy, but he was largely unaware of it. He is a pretty high-powered guy and though he has provided her with a wonderful home, luxury cars,holidays and so on, she has felt overpowered and not heard by her husband. Recently she has begun to express her anger often and, though they are still living together, they are practically separated.
I have advised him to watch her very carefully and point out every fault and mistake he can see in her. I’ve explained that he should never accept any of her explanations for her feelings of anger or victimization. He must clearly explain to her all of her faults and every way she has let him down. I told him that he has every right to make his career his number one priority and that she must accept that she is meant to support him, raise his children and submit to his authority. What’s more, she needs to work on being more grateful for all that he has provided for her.
His wife is a typical woman, so I reminded him that he cannot expect her to listen to
reason, but must put up with a lot of emotionalism. I have known them for quite a long time and assured him that she has been the instigator of every conflict they have had
and he has been an outstanding husband who has nothing to apologize for.
Sadly, in spite of my excellent insight and commitment to help, she seems to be angrier
now than she was when I first started to help them. She is clearly a very difficult person. But, what can you expect from a woman?
If their relationship gets more difficult, I prepared him for the possibility that he might have to use force. For most of history men have used domestic violence to keep their women under control and, when all else fails, it is still a helpful option.
What are his chances of a happy marriage and family? How would you advise him?
Okay, perhaps that is bad advice. But maybe we are taking that sort of approach to others. To some extent, that is how much of the “Christian World” is attempting to relate to Muslims. The marriage analogy doesn’t completely hold together, but the same principles that make for strong families also apply more widely.
Christians comprise about a third of the world and Muslims up a fifth. We all live on the same planet and so, to a certain extend we are like a married couple who share a home. This globe is our only home and all the other inhabitants will be affected by the way
Muslims and Christians get along with one another. At the moment our marriage is in trouble and we look like we might blow up our home.
Like the husband above, Christians have held the reins of power for most of the past few
centuries. (For the purposes of this article, when I speak of Christians, I am referring to that part of the world where the majority of the population would tick the “Christian” box if they had to express their religious preference.) We have colonized or occupied much of the rest of the world and we still have the ability to pressurize or overthrow governments that do not cooperate with us. We control most of the world’s wealth; we have the sophisticated weapons, the most influential universities, and the airwaves are filled with our content.
“The wife” has felt dominated, exploited and marginalized. Now she is striking back. So what is our response?
Perhaps we could acknowledge that we do share some responsibility for our current
atmosphere of mistrust. Could we admit that we have a less than spotless history of relating to them?
I am not for a moment suggesting that we are responsible for all the ills of the world, but
from the Muslim point of view, most of them would want us to accept some responsibility for our complicity in the following events (just a sample, by no means complete):
1. Determining the borders and ruling families of most of the Arab world in such a way that perpetual conflict would be likely.
2. The overthrow of the elected government of Iran, installing the Shah, whose cruel rule eventually led to an uprising that brought the Ayatollah Khomeini back from Paris and a Muslim theocracy.
3. The strengthening of Saddam Hussein so he could attack and hopefully contain the theocracy of Iran, leading to the deaths of over 1,000,000 young men from Iraq and Iran.
4. Via our addiction to oil, transferring untold wealth to one of the smallest and most extreme factions of Islam, the Wahhabi House of Saud in Saudi Arabia, enabling them to export their extremism all over the world. Because of their immense wealth, they fund Islamic departments in our finest Universities and have made it impossible for the moderates who formerly held the chairs of these University departments to continue. They also export
their brand of Islam to the furthest corners of the Muslim world, building Mosques, funding schools, fostering radical political parties etc.
5. Training and arming Muslim extremists in Afghanistan, including Osama bin Laden so they could better resist and defeat the Russians. Then, denying or overlooking our role when the extremists (Wahhabis) turned on us.
6. Filling the world with our commercial exploitation—sending them our products of Hollywood, our MTV, our youth cultures and fashions, promiscuity, rebellion against elders and on and on.
They would also like us to listen to them. To me, it seems that we constantly tell one another what Muslims believe and how wrong they are. We don’t ask them to speak for
themselves. Are we afraid? Of what?
When I have taken the time to make friends with Muslims, either the ones who live near me or when I have visited their countries, I have been consistently surprised at what I learn and how unfairly we have stereotyped them, just like I did when I referred to the woman above. Yes, I have meet bitter, young men who are dangerous—but relatively few of them. It has been my privilege to meet many kind, hospitable and very patient people. My wife and I have marveled at the many healthy families we have met—families where the older and younger generations have mutual respect for one another, eating their meals together, engaging with interesting conversation with guests, exhibiting good manners without sullenness or tension between the generations.
They are well aware of how our press and broadcast media brand them all, but they
patiently explain what they really believe and what they really want. When we develop relationships and learn to listen well, we discover that Muslims vary as much as people who call themselves Christians. They are just people and God made and loves them all.
He called me and you to show them His love. And there is no love without respect as a
starting point. There is no love without an effort to engage in conversation and mutual understanding.
Yes, most of them have misunderstandings about what we believe and it has been my pleasure to talk at length about Jesus and how we endeavor to follow him. For many of my Muslim acquaintances, our conversation has been the first time a Christian has explained his or her faith. I suppose we could conclude that they were as surprised about what I believe as I have been about their lives and beliefs.
Recent developments on the international scene have opened the doors for some Christian leaders (about 100) to engage in dialogue with a similar number of Muslim leaders. I jumped at the opportunity and look forward to it eagerly. But, the approach for dialogue came from the Muslims in the form of an open letter in which they used some typical religious language about the unity of God. The response that was developed by a few Christians did not seek to counter their statements or to convey much content about our beliefs. I am pleased the authors took that approach. The Muslim invitation was not a request to engage in an exchange of public statements and documents. It was an invitation to meet face to face.
Some Christian leaders have criticized both the original invitation and the response
because that exchange did not establish a solid Biblical view of God. Again, I believe the respondents were right to avoid the temptation to sabotage the face to face meeting by insisting on the right wording first.
So, in a sense, we are like that fictitious alienated couple I described at the beginning of this paper. We have seen that the escalating conflict is very dangerous and that the course of action we have been pursuing in recent history could result in the destruction of much of the world. It is time to change our strategy and begin to talk rather than hurling insults at one another, trying to out-shout each other and threatening to keep raising the stakes.
This dialogue may not produce discernable progress, but like the couple heading for
divorce, it is certainly worth trying. Let’s just hope we can listen and learn on both sides.
C. Lynn Green
Chairman,
Reconciliation and Peace Foundation
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As you can see, Sharon was a most beautiful bride and John was a fitting husband.
All the grandkids participated in some way.
We tried a new experience. For my 60th birthday, all our kids, their spouses and kids went to Egypt for a week-long holiday. What a great experience it turned out to be! It is hard to believe that all those people came from our marriage. The only person who was missing was John Mansour who will be marrying our daughter, Sharon, in a few weeks time. The next time we do this, hopefully he will be there too.